Here at Naughty Mummy we do love our holidays – but life’s a bit different these days isn’t it? Travelling with small children is a whole different sort of experience…

This week we’ve mostly been packing for our upcoming holiday in France – well we say ‘packing’, actually this involves Naughty Mummy laying out things on the spare bed and toddler 1 distracting mummy (‘done poo’) whilst toddler 2 then sets to work putting the carefully laid out clothes back into the chest of drawers, mummy comes back into the room – for a nano-second thinks she’s going mad and hadn’t actually put any clothes out – then toddler 1 and toddler 2 start giggling. I swear to God, these guys have a plan – toddler 2 doesn’t even talk yet but they really know what they’re doing. Goodness knows what they’re going to be like when they’re older.

So this will be the first time the little people have been on a car ferry, and to be absolutely honest, it’s filling us with a bit of the fear. We’ve done the whole flying thing – short & long haul and (aside from when toddler 2 decided to put his hands on the lever to open the emergency exit and the stewardess had heart failure) we’ve never had any bad experiences. But a ferry? With Naughty Mummy single-handedly managing 2 toddlers? (since super-daddy has decided to cycle to Paris with his mates ‘for a laugh’ – the lengths some people go to in order to get away from childcare duties eh?!)…I am worried, I am really worried – I am waking up at 2am wondering if I should put armbands on them before we even get onto the ferry just in case one of them decides to jump overboard…or maybe I can just super-glue them into the Phil and Teds for the duration…watch this space, we will report back!

It comes to us all in the end and last week it was Naughty Mummy’s turn…the day that you have to take cakes into nursery to be sold on the cake stall at the school summer fair. On the surface this sounds like a ‘lovely idea’ – just talking about it conjures up the waft of freshly baked sponge – but don’t be fooled, in reality it is a bit of a nightmare once you start to consider all the options…

This is a whole new experience for us; only having been at the school one term (and not really knowing any of the other parents to ask) is particularly unhelpful in deciding ones cake strategy. It is impossible to know or guess what is required – will everyone home-bake or will a box of Mr Kiplings suffice? Should you go for one large cake or would a box of smaller child-sized cupcakes be more acceptable?? At this point having an imagination which runs away with you is definitely a handicap – I start to imagine that the majority of the mothers at the school do nothing all day except bake and look fragrant whilst speed-dialling Nigella to give her advice on her latest recipes. Unhelpful.

With rising panic I take a quick consensus of opinion from the Naughty Mummies – my absolute favourite suggestion is to make cupcakes in the shape of boobs complete with nipple decorations…oh I would LOVE to do that – but I’m truly ashamed to say that the overwhelming fear of being ostracised forever from playground banter for not conforming overrides my usual naughty side. I am an independent thirty-something who, prior to producing offspring, had CEOs eating out of my hand. How did it come to this?!

Eventually I opt for cupcakes, sans nipples, and after a protracted 3 hours in the kitchen (a longer story for another time…but why is it when you want to bake something lovely your children won’t leave you alone and want to add their own ‘special’ ingredients?!) I end up with a reasonable looking offering. Hurrah! Glass of wine time…

Hands up if you’ve seen a baby wearing a little, amber necklace and thought ‘I bet their parent’s are surfers ….”. Ha! You too? These little trinkets seem to be dangling off the necks of so many of our local cherubs. Naughty Mummy notices these things. So imagine our surprise when we were approached by “Amber Pumpkin’, the countries leading importer of valuable Baltic Amber and asked to trial a necklace for ourselves!?!

For those of you not in the know, amber has been associated with pain relief in teething babies. When worn around the neck or ankle, the amber warms up and releases minute amounts of oil which is absorbed through the skin. Amber is a natural analgesic so it can soothe and lessen pain.

Well, we all know how little sleep Naughty Mummy has been getting since number 2 arrived. Offered a chance to stop the night-waking, the constant daytime whinging and all the other distressing symptoms of teething, we grabbed at the chance to give it a go!!

But that’s not the best bit! Starting today, little Oran and Rufus will be wearing the amber necklace and we’ll be giving you regular updates on how things are going.  If you fancy giving amber a go with us, visit the amberpumpkin website. Our voucher code (nm10) will get you a 10% discount off your purchases. Email us your feedback and we can decide for ourselves if these cutesy little necklaces really do lessen the hell that is teething babies!!!!

So it looks like the Obamas had a successful visit to London this week…our favourite highlights were the game of ping-pong, where Baz n Dave were photographed looking like a pair of naughty schoolboys, and the BBQ at number 10.  Would have loved to be a fly on the wall at that one…who do you think was in charge of the grill?! Wouldn’t you be terrified of giving Mr President a dodgy sausage?!  Come to think of it, don’t you think we could’ve found something a bit more British to share with the Obamas?  Afternoon tea?  Pimms and cucumber sandwiches??…noooo, let’s have a BBQ!  In England.  In the late spring.  Not risky at all. 

Still, at least the House of Windsor came up with the goods…say what you like about the Queen (we are absolutely loving the fact that she wore a hairnet to the Chelsea Flower Show: ‘I am the Queen – I’ll wear whatever I flipping like’) she certainly knows how to put on a decent do – a spectacular state banquet (complete with token eccentric-Brit guest Helena Bonham Carter) and a private audience with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge – but how annoying though that none of us can now get hold of that lovely Reiss dress because our American cousins crashed the website snapping up every last one of them!

We heard this week that apparently the world is going to end in October (from the same guy who predicted it would end in May…don’t hold your breath) – just in case, we’re planning on spending the bank holiday weekend having as much fun as possible…well as much as you can when you’re trying to occupy 2 littlies whilst daddy hacks his way around the golf course.  Not annoyed at all about that.  Bon weekend naughties…

So another week, another love-rat exposed (eventually, thanks to Twitter, The Sunday Herald and a Lib-Dem MP…) – honestly, it’s enough to make you want to cry – are there no decent men left in the public eye?!  What is it with all these young ‘celebrity’ dads that render them completely incapable of keeping it in their trousers?  (and don’t even get us started on the women who seem to target these weak men – in our opinion there should be a special place in prison reserved especially for them…)

Being Naughty Mummy of course we’re not shy of a spot of naughtiness, but we’re perfectly capable of getting all the fun we need within the boundaries of our family relationships.  Whenever we hear about stuff like this our thoughts and sympathies go immediately to the wives and innocent children who are implicated through absolutely no fault of their own…and we hope that the repercussions aren’t too hard to bear – it’s just a shame that these love rats can’t think of their families in the first place and not get involved.

Also in the news this week Eva Herzigova – mum to an 8 week old – appeared in hotpants at the Cannes Film Festival.  Don’t think Naughty Mummy could even fit into her pre-pregnancy pants (let alone hotpants) at 8 months never mind 8 weeks…so hats off to her – let’s just hope she didn’t starve herself too much to try and impress the paps!

On that note, we’re off to nibble on a celery stick and check our husband’s text messages, just in case…

Where is this year going? Can you believe it’s the middle of May already??  Admittedly there have been some pretty amazing distractions so far in 2011 – tropical weather, Osama’s demise, Royal wedding – and I’m sorry but there has to be a special mention here for Pippa’s bum…we’re not the jealous types (no, really) but OMG, the mere possibility of having anyone really looking at our bums for anything longer than a nano-second  just doesn’t bear thinking about…let alone having billions of people around the world staring intently at it!  Do you think that when P-Middy got dressed that morning she put on her lucky knickers, just in case there was a ‘bum shot’?!  Anyway, sorry, we’re digressing, but gratuitously here’s a little pic of our latest girl-crush with naughty Harry - you can make up your own captions…

In the meantime whilst all of this other excitement’s been going on, here at Naughty Mummy HQ we’ve been busily beavering away to put together a fantastic schedule of events to take us through to 2012 – all of which will be posted on here and also on Facebook as and when they come up.

To kick things off, we are delighted to announce that by popular request we have organised a regular weekly Naughty Mummy playdate which will be held on Thursdays at Jitterbugs.  A regular chance to catch up with your mum friends, meet new mummies and enjoy a nice cuppa.  For more details see the listing under the ‘Coffee Dates’ tab…look forward to seeing you there!

Firstly, a very happy mothers day to all Antipodean mummies out there – hopefully you’re all being spoilt rotten!

Even as we speak, Naughty Mummy is holed up in the Dog and Fox having great fun (and an enormous jug of Pimms) planning lots of exciting mummy events for the rest of 2011…watch this space for details of child-free nights out at supper clubs, quiz nights and wine tastings as well as hotly-anticipated regular coffee-dates for you and your little ones, starting at the end of May.  We’re looking forward to a summer of fun with you all! (long may this beautiful weather last…and if it doesn’t, we’ll just take the Pimms indoors!)

Where has the year gone? Its the middle of April already and with all these holidays, bank holidays and whatnot, it’ll be the middle of May the next time Iwash the kitchen floor (oh ok – probably nearer the end of May. I really need to get a cleaner).

Anna is now firmly esconced in the West Country, probably eating pasties and swilling cider as I type. My little bubba is nearly 3 months old (still NO sign of him sleeping through the night *sigh*) and its like he’s been with us forever (I’m not sure the 3 year old agrees).

So all in all, its been a crazy 2011. The good news is, we’ve recruited a team of ace supermums who are going to help us put on more events. The bad news is you are going to need to tell your husband you’ll be going out more (he won’t mind. Buy him a Playstation 3. He won’t even notice you’ve gone. Mine hasn’t!)
So keep your eyes peeled on facebook for invites to our forthcoming events. The summer is nearly upon us and we deserve some fun. Its been a long winter. Pimms in The Park, Supper Club, Mother Knows Best (The Quiz) plus a host of playdates to keep us out of trouble!

So we’ve been a bit busy lately! Anna has decided to move to the West Country – all decided and done in a matter of weeks. And Jo is about to drop a baby. That only took 40 weeks. The upshot of all this chaos is that poor old Naughty Mummy has had her hands full and hasn’t been ‘nose to the naughty grindstone’ since Christmas. Sorry! She has taken herself off to the Naughty Step to have a good think about what she’s done…..

The good news is that we’re not going to let distance or new babies get in the way! We do have some events planned so watch this space or keep an eye out on Facebook, as events are published.

From February, we’ll be a man down. This means Jo could do with some help! If you have a few hours spare/aren’t going back to work/want to get involved in Naughty Mummy, email us on info@naughtymummy.co.uk and let’s chat!